Letting go of your teenager is definitely hard as they head off into adult land. I learned some lessons in the last couple of years when my daughter became an adult and moved away to college. I thought I would share some of the things we struggled with and some of the things we learned.
Letting Go is Hard Work
Being able to cut those apron strings and let go of your teen is hard work. It is going to take determination. You will need to change your communication, stay relaxed, be supportive, and limit your questions to them!
Communication
At first, we texted a lot. We had dropped her off at her college dorm with no friends and her roommate was quite different personality-wise from our daughter. So she texted several times that day and the following days. I would always reply. But as time passed, the texts slowed down. I’ve heard boys text their mommas even less than girls! I got to the point that I would wait between days and if I hadn’t heard from her, I’d ask, “What’s your schedule for today?” via text the next morning. We talked at least once or twice a week on the phone as well.
We had google maps on her phone and I could see where she was going. But after the first semester, I was asking too many questions about what she was doing, and she turned it off! Which I’ve now accepted as fine. She is 19! But it hurt me a little bit. Now I think my husband was able to turn on some kind of tracking on her phone with our cell service, so at least it has her location if anything were to happen to her. Letting go will involve reducing the amount of communication between you.
Stay Chill
I have learned to not act surprised when I hear about things that she’s exposed to, such as drugs on the hall, girls dressing up for parties on the weekends, people passed out and drunk, professors or lab assistants doing/saying something I didn’t approve of, etc. What an atmosphere! Definitely different than my little college apartments with my sweet friends Renee and Karen! We were pretty sheltered. I’ve tried to be supportive of the good decisions she makes and ask questions when I think something is not wise. She almost applied for a job that I was pretty sure was a scam. After asking a lot of questions, it turns out it was a scam and she has actually been helping the campus police track down the scammers.
So the main thing is just don’t freak out or be shocked when you hear something.
I just have to give these things over to God. She is ready and prepared for most of these issues, and I need to let go and trust that God will lead and guide her in the way she should go. Psalm 32:8 says, “I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.” Letting go must include you relaxing about their exposure to things in the world as an adult.
Be Supportive
Try to be supportive of the good things. When she comes home from breaks, I take her out to lunch – just the two of us and we chat about any of the big issues that need to be discussed. We spend time face to face where we can catch up and talk. Share on X
When she said she was going to apply to different jobs, internships, clubs, or trips, I tried to be supportive of the process. You never know how those things are going to turn out. Sometimes, it turns into nothing. And at least I was supportive and not negative about her attempt to try for something. Other times, it has turned out to be a good thing, and that can happen whether or not I was supportive from the beginning. I’d rather encourage her exploration of opportunities than discourage them. Here’s a picture of her in Vancouver, where she spent two months as a summer missionary with the International Mission Board (IMB).
After the first year of college, she decided to change her major. At first, I was shocked. Not that I didn’t know that lots of people change their majors after the first year, but that she had decided to. This is the same girl who has known her major since 6th grade! But I decided to read about the new major and look into what the details were, and after doing this, I actually decided that it seemed like a better fit than what she’s been saying all these years! It was a good thing that I just took it in quietly and researched first, before stating my mind. Letting go also involves reducing your own expectations and letting them search for their own path. Share on X
Limit Your Questions
I have heard recently that asking too many questions comes across to them as nagging. My friend, whose son was in counseling for some issues, said the counselor gave her some homework which was this: she could only ask ONE question a day, so she had to make it a good one! Letting go should include you giving them space to live out their lives without constantly being a part of every minute.
I hope these ideas help you in launching your teen and dropping them off at college! Let me know if you have any questions about our experience!
Blessings,
Michelle